NORSEMEN forever

A fan site for Netflix's series, NORSEMEN

Warning: contains violent, sexual, disgusting, and/or hilarious scenes

The Cast

Meet the Vikings!

Norsemen Quotes

Viking wisdom for these troubled times

The
Cast

Click to view classic Norsemen quotes from some of the cast.

Arvid (Nils Jørgen Kaalstad) Arvid
Liv (Kristine Riis) Liv
Kark (Øystein Martinsen) Kark
Frøya (Silje Torp) Frøya
Rufus (Trond Fausa) Rufus
Hildur (Marian Saastad Ottesen) Rufus
Orm (Kåre Conradi) Orm
Olav (Henrik Mestad) Olav
Jarl Varg (Jon Øigarden) Jarl Varg
Torstein (Bjørn Myrene) Torstein Hund
Ragnar (Mikkel Bratt Silset) Ragnar
Olvar (Nikis Theophilakis) Olvar

Selected Video Clips

NORSEMEN is Monty Python meets Game of Thrones. Clueless Vikings with modern sensibilities try to get by in a dog-eat-dog world.

Warning: contains violent, sexual, disgusting, and/or hilarious scenes

Ragnar explains fashion to Arvid and Frøya.

Kark supervises an unsuccessful Ättestupa ceremony.

Rufus learns to not be a pushy slave.

Orm tries to go pillaging.

Orm unsuccessfully argues that size doesn't matter.

Liv teaches Arvid about relationships and commitment.

Hildur seeks answers from a seer.

Orm's marksmanship is impaired by "cold fingers".

Norsemen
Wisdom

Collective wisdom of the vikings

Orm

"The tree of exclusion can bear some bitter fruits."

Liv

Arvid: "Was that..."

Liv: "Just some skank who got the wrong address."

Arvid: "There are only five houses in all of Norheim..."

Arvid

Law Speaker: "And Arvid, you chopped Liv's husband in half so you could get both her and her farm."

Arvid: "Yes, but that was all done by the book."

Kark

"Come on. Turn that frown upside. Smile to the world. That's all there is to it."

Orm

"But, most of all, I love people. I'm a truly gregarious being. I spent a lot of time alone growing up. I never really enjoyed that very much. I'm at my happiest when I'm in a tight group that does everything together, day in and day out, until that group melts into one single organism with a lot of inside jargon and jokes that no one outside the group understands."

Olav

"You should be really proud of your wife, at least. I mean, Frøya dove into that pillaging 100%. Even took part in quite a lot of the raping."

Hildur

"If only you'd been eaten by wolves, Liv. Everything was much better here without you. With all due respect."

Orm

"The sea giveth, and the sea taketh away. And this time, the sea... tooketh... my sword."

Rufus

"Before you say anything, let me alert you to the fact that we haven't been served water for over twelve hours. That's ridiculous."

Orm

"And I began actively thrusting back. So, it was like I raped him."

Kark

"There's no better feeling than doing backbreaking work for someone else without pay."

Olav

"Just in time to be late, Arvid."

Arvid

Olav: "You have so much to offer."

Arvid: "No. Not that much."

Oddvar

"I'm thinking. What's the worst thing that could happen to me if I don't do the Ättestupa? I mean, what's worse than being crushed?"

Kark

"Oh, yeah. Ättestupa is probably the most honorable thing you can do."

Olav

"It's not how you're doing. It's how you're handling it."

Liv

"It's all in the mind. It's 99% attitude."

Orm

Orm: "Yes. Yes. But you know, it wouldn't hurt to mix things up a little. It's very important not to get these cliques onboard. And who knows. Maybe some strong new friendships can develop."

Ragnar: "This is more about, you know, respecting the saved seats policy."

Hildur

"Suck the fart out of my ass."

Orm

"No, no, no. No, no, no. I know that a man's perineum is forbidden fruit. But, that's what makes it so exciting."

Orm

"Punctuality is a virtue, which is something I just decided to start saying."

Arvid

"Jarl Varg: Mark my words. We will meet under different circumstances.

Arvid: "The next time we meet, it would be pretty weird if it was right here and the circumstances were identical."

Rufus

"Not to complain, but I think the flow of information here on this boat is extremely arbitrary. And that's totally uncalled for when we're so crammed together in such a small craft. I didn't know until yesterday that we were even going to Norway."

Torstein

"So. It seems like the dry spell might last a little longer... It was quite windy yesterday, but the wind seems to have dropped some. So, the wind seems to vary a little from day to day."

Arvid

"It's not exactly like I'm looking forward to coming home. No. My focus has always been on pillaging and ravaging and things like that."

Orm

"Well, then, we'll just have to agree to disagree. Which is something I've decided to start saying."

Arvid

Arvid: "This is where I come to think the big thoughts."

Frøya: "Yeah? Like what's beyond the stars and things like that?"

Arvid: "No, more like mountains, big rocks. I think about whales sometimes. And could be logs or moose."

Olvar

"Little strokes fell great oaks."

Arvid

"You know about relationships. It's about give and take, so... And hanging out with other couples is important. So, you have to prioritize."

Orm

"You completely missed the mark. In order for humor to be relevant, it needs to be rooted in reality. And this is where you so completely and utterly failed."

Jarl Varg

Jarl Varg: "Even if your title is master thief, you should be punctual."

Torstein: "I just like to look at my wrist while I'm waiting."

Kark

"Wait. One just second. Not to cock up your plans or anything, but are you 100% certain that it's necessary to sacrifice me? … You've sacrificed two slaves already. You're not worried that the gods are going to think you're trying too hard? That it's too much?"

Orm

"But, you know what they say? That those who take a joke just as a joke and seriousness seriously, they have actually understood both poorly. And here, the seriousness was the joke."

Arvid

Arvid: "This is the viking age. Armed conflict is kind of part of the game, here. What if someone attacks us?"

Orm: "Your reactionary attitude is hilarious, Arvid. Who in their right mind would attack a village that is organizing the country's best and only summer play? And is also building an installation?"

Rufus: "Come on, Arvid."

Orm

Hildur: "Uh, what is it? Some kind of big weapon?"

Orm: "Weapon? No. No. No. This is art. And art may be the most powerful of all weapons, if you think about it."

Hildur: "So, it is a weapon?"

Orm: "No. Not exactly."

Rufus

"This is good. It seems like I've triggered some emotions here, and that's perfect. Because art is supposed to provoke and challenge, create debate, disgust. You have to dare to debate. But not come to the point where we suppress and censor based on individual taste."

Orm

"I am the chieftain's brother. I'm first in the heir to the throne. So, you could probably say that I'm sort of a bigwig – if you have to put a label on it."

Olav

Olav: "Was that a bit too much?"

Arvid: "No. You're the chieftain. Aren't you supposed to be a little like that when you're in charge? A little crazy?"

Olav: "Hmm. It's not really me, that fear-based leadership style stuff. It doesn't feel right."

Rufus

All we can do is follow the sun. Since the sun always points south, we just have to trust it."

Orm

Law Speaker: "Therefore, Orm should be the chieftain of Norheim."

Orm: "Yes. I thank you. Thank you. I'm very proud and very humble. "

Frøya

Olav: "Frøya, we are actually in control here, so..."

Frøya: "Have you ever heard of a man having too much control?"

Orm

"Who dares to boo their own chieftain. I'm really, really disappointed. You shouldn't boo your own chieftain. That's just child's knowledge. Try firing an arrow with really cold fingers yourself before you start booing. Have any of you ever tried to fire an arrow with really frozen fingers?"

Hildur

"We could have at least sacrificed some slaves. Try to be a little resourceful."

Orm

Orm: "It's just a matter of positive thinking. Nine out of ten concerns are completely unfounded. Isn't that what they say?"

Arvid: "But, who says that?"

Orm: "I don't know who says it. I haven't got names. People. People do."

Kark

"I was just ordered to take you up here. I mean, you're supposed to do the jump and spare your families the burden that is supporting you in your old age... Okay, I'm just a slave. I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. "

Orm

"But, anyway. Ah, I just want to be perfectly clear that, ah, even though I'm a big shot, I want you to look at me as a regular Joe."

Olav

"I think I have a plan for that. A plan so crazy it might just work."

Orm

"Slave on."

Rufus

"Just remember that I accept nothing but spectacular results. I am utterly uncompromising there."

Orm

Orm: "Some of you may have noticed that we sailed toward the west this time. And Jarl Varg, he doesn't need to find that out. So, if anyone asks, just say 'east', okay?"

Ragnar: "Excuse me. Uh, you mean lie? Because it's really stressful to be caught in a web of lies."

Rufus

Rufus: "And Kark. Exceptional. So expressive in both movement and delivery."

Kark: "Wow, thank you. That's the first time anyone's ever given me a compliment."

Rufus: "So, if a retard like Kark can manage to act, surely you can too."

Orm

Orm: "So, sorry I got everyone whipped. You know, it's kind of a fun thing in a way that we'll all look back at and laugh at. It's a like a mutual story that binds us all closer together."

Arvid

Frøya: "Well, you have an extra responsibility with your appearance and that perfect body."

Arvid: "Well, I guess you can say my facial features are, well, kind of great. But I struggle a little with a curved spine. So, that makes me look sometimes kind of chubby. So, I'm not completely perfect."

Liv

"And that style isn't exactly very 791, is it?"

Kark

Rufus: "Aren't you shackled."

Kark: "No. No, I'm here voluntarily. You get really addicted to the wheel of pain, you know. I noticed that I get really grumpy if I don't get at least one good session a day."

Torstein

"You know, the body compensates. So, if you lose an arm, the body will make your other arm twice as strong."

Rufus

"Wolves and menstruating women. It's not a good combination."

Ragnar

Ragnar: "Horns happen to be the latest fashion."

Arvid: "You can't walk around with horns on your helmet. It looks ridiculous."

Ragnar: "'Cause you're such a fashionista?"

Arvid: "Yeah or... Yeah, yeah."

Ragnar: "Okay, then you would probably know that fashion is about taking chances, experimenting, daring to be bold. While at the same time, of course, you have to wear something you feel comfortable in?"

Frøya: "Well, I sure wouldn't feel comfortable with those horns on my helmet."

Jarl Varg

"Ah. I cannot stress strongly enough how important it is -- a luscious head of hair. My hair is my pride and my light... A man's hair says everything about his personality."

Kark

"Well, then you've got nothing to be down in the mouth about. Pee straight from the source is perfectly sterile. It doesn't taste half bad, either."

Ragnar

"My body is my runestick and my tattoos tell my story."

Torstein

Torstein: "What's this? A little raven with a message? Is that an important message you have there, little raven?"

Ragnar: "That's a chicken."

Torstein: "Chicken? Right. Of course. I've never been very good with birds. I see beaks and wings, but aside from that, they look all the same to me. Totally identical."

Ragnar: "So, you can't tell the difference between a sparrow and an eagle?"

Torstein: "Not a chance. Totally bird blind. Always been."

Orm

"Oh, no, no. I have exactly the same tool. So, I think I know what a huge penis is, and those aren't normal."

Hildur

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to make your job harder. Just, drinking spit simply doesn't work for me."

Ragnar

Ragnar: "Okay. The helmet is a basic head cover, right? But when you add some other material, like horns, it becomes something else. It's no longer just a helmet. It is something bigger. It tells a story. And that is what fashion is all about."

Arvid: "I can promise you that. Horns on a helmet will never be popular."

Olav

"Orm? Is that you sneaking around here again? You received strict orders not to sneak around the shitting log. Orm, I thought we agreed on this. There's been too many negative reactions. People find this very unpleasant."

Orm

"I think my assicle has fallen asleep. Those benches in there are so, so hard. They could at least throw on a few animal skins. The assicle falls asleep. The assicle goes numb straight away."

Torstein

"You know what, Varg? You look much better with a big bald spot. It makes you much more interesting. People become curious about you. And you know what they say? Variety is the spice of life."

Frøya

Orm: "I'm experiencing cold sweats, nausea, discomfort, vomiting, "

Frøya: "You know what's key now, for you? It's to not focus on the horizon. Yeah. And then, you drink some warm goat milk. And then you go lie down in the middle of the boat. You close your eyes and you counteract the motion of the sea. Yeah. That's the only thing that helps. I'm telling you. Yeah."

Rufus

"Listen. Ah, I don't mean to tell you how to do your job. But, ah, I was expecting something more along the line of a slap or maybe like an Indian burn or something. So, next time maybe it's best if you double-check with me before you crush someone's skull. Okay? Great. Good talk."

Creators' & Actors'
Comments

Jonas Torgersen (creator/writer/director) - "This is so cool! Great stuff!"

Jon Iver Helgaker (creator/writer/director) - "This is great!!!"

Nils Jørgen Kaalstad (Arvid) - "You have my thumb up too! Looks great!"

Kåre Conradi (Orm) - "Love the page!"

Øystein Martinsen (Kark) - "Amazing fan site by #1 Norsemen supporter Henry Herz. Looks great and contains all you need to know about our strange Norwegian comedy show!"